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Do you like the idea of gigantic hordes of people rhythmically shouting out your name? Would you like to oversee a military parade from the balcony of your luxurious palace? Are your looks so gorgeous that everybody should be able to admire them in lurid posters all over the town? Would you like to plan a uniform for yourself? Would things be better if you were in charge? Are you just what this country needs? Would you like to hold the destiny of a nation in your mortal hands? Do you want these questions to stop? If your answer is yes (and it should be), this is the article for you. Ah, dictatorship.

If you still hesitate, there are thoroughly rational arguments for becoming a dictator. It might even be essential for your own safety. Dictatorship is the only effective* way of running a government. Dictatorship is also great fun, provided you get to be the dictator. This is why you should read this article. If you are not fast enough some nosy son-of-a-*** may organize a coup in your country before you even get the chance. Why let him have all the fun? You must act fast if you want to rule your own country with an iron fist. Remember, a democratic government might succumb to authoritarian rule at any moment. Hurry! Read this before it’s too late. You don’t want to see gigantic propaganda posters on the walls of public buildings featuring anybody else but you. Don't let idiots rule a country when you could do it a lot better!

Things you can do in a dictatorship that you can’t do in a democracy

• avoid paying taxes
• be late for work
• get a taxi when you need one.
• design your country’s flag.
• get promoted easily.
• make the neighborhood quiet and peaceful at night.
• get past the queues.
• park your car where you damn well please.
• Make Sexy Girls walk around completely Naked, Begging for sex.

 

Planning

There are basically two ways of getting absolute power in your hands, A) careful planning and B) sheer luck. You will probably need a balanced combination of both. Get yourself a proper education. There are no overeducated dictators. Nowadays, an officer rank is highly recommended for aspiring dictators. And remember: once you are in power, you can promote yourself endlessly to higher ranks. Muammar Qaddifi is a Colonel, Idi Admin was a Deputy Commander of the army, and Perez Musharaf is a General. Latin America has until recently been so crowded with officers-turned-dictators that some were washed to the sea. However, even those with a humble education can make it. This is most often the case in countries practicing herederity rule, but there are other examples as well. Adolf Hitler left school with no qualifications and painted shitty postcard scenes. Hardly the career for a future dictator. Stalin never managed to become a priest and left the seminary out of sheer jealousy for God

Setting up a party

It is much easier to gain absolute power through being a member of a party. The more people involved the more political and sheer physical power a party has. Mussolini and Hitler began their careers in partisan politics. You could join an existing party and gradually make your way to the top in its inner hierarchy. Alternatively, you could found your own party. Then you get to choose who can join it, and you get to be the chairperson. However, new parties may face difficulties finding members.

There is, however, always the frightening prospect that you may have to share you power with the party after the coup. This need not be the case. Stalin managed to replace the Communist party as the supreme authority. See also the 'purge' section of this article.

Networking

It is important to know the right people to succeed. Make friends with the military, socialize with the business elite. Knowing some foreign diplomats may also turn out to be beneficial, especially if you are planning a coup. It is really good to know a powerful, moghul. People like that are stupid enough to believe your lies and give you endless financial backing. By the way, money is very important, because with a lot of is how most dictators succeed. In the good old days, no dictator came to power in Latin America -- and mind you, there were a lot of dictators there then -- without the support or at least consent of the United States and the CIA. Do not forget to keep in contact with the wider populace; the wider your support, the easier it will be to seize power and maintain it

Equipment

Equipment is phenomenally important to the survival of a dictator. Without a lot of really good equipment, you'll be forced to take power by using endless hordes of brainwashed peasents who overcome their enemys by sheer numbers. And getting that is really difficult. So a lot of money is essential. You can get money in several ways; one of the ways is earning it yourself. Become a wealthy commander of an industrial empire. That will not only get you massive amounts of money, but also powerful friends, respect, and a lot of followers. Your employees could become your army. You could just make friends with a powerful mogul and steal his wealth. This is easier, but also involves more luck. Anyway, once you have the money try to get the best equipment possible. Get the latest in defence technology, and get things like big tanks, cruise missiles, submarines equipped with powerful weapons, and chemical weapons. The point is Get good weapons.

The coup

A (military) coup is the traditional and the most popular way of seizing power in a country. It has certain unbeatable advantages:

• you are in control of an extensive armed force
• you get to perform in a cool uniform
• you have thousands of bodyguards

The downside of a traditional military coup is that there may be officers in the military as power-hungry as you. They might plan putting you aside at some point. The essential number one rule for a dictator is this:

TRUST NO ONE, EVEN YOURSELF

A handy way of beginning a coup is occupying government buildings, such as the parliment, and state-operated TV and radio channels. The main point is to paralyze the government and the medias it uses for spreading information.

Terminology

Never call your coup a coup. Call it a revolution instead. Revolution suggests that the people have spontaneously renounced the old regime. This is a clever strategy and was used by the Bolshevicks in Russia. Hence, the Russian Revolution.

Which country?

Not all countries are ripe for revolution. Long democratic traditions can be a real nuisance.

Here are some countries worth trying for beginners:

• Rhodesia
• South Africa
• Uganda
• Argentina
• Kazakhstan
• Uzbekistan 
• Afghanistan 
• Any country whose name ends in a ’stan’
• Guatemala
• Honduras 
• Any Central American country
• Haiti
• Bolivia 
• Ecuador 
• Paraguay 
• Hell, any Latin American country
• Dominican Republic
• Grenada
• Iraq
• Azerbajian 
• Georgia 
• Cambodia 
• Thailand 
• East Timor
• Indonesia 
• The Philipenns
• New Zealand, (democratic and part of the British Empire, but has no real military to speak of and no one in the British Government cares about it)
• Canada, (See above)

Here are some countries that are certainly not for beginners, mostly because their current regime is too oppressive or powerful to tackle. Worth a try, but secure your back:

• Belarus 
• Russia
• North Korea
• Laos 
• Cuba 
• Bhutan 
• United States of America
• United Kingdom
• Germany
• China
• Italy
• Japan

Don’t even bother with these; these countries are dull and completely useless for aspiring dictators:

• Sweden 
• Luxembourg 
• Switzerland 
• Norway 
• Denmark 
• San Marino
• Malayisa
• Australia 

After the coup

You might well think the thing is done after you have successfully seized power in your state. But no. You are only halfway through, though you already have experienced the more difficult half. You don't want to see counter-revolutions, which very likely cost your life. Civil Wars are not a good alternative, either. How to avoid these difficulties, then?

Consolidating your power

At once as the coup becomes recognized, you must announce the beginning of military rule. It is imperative to state that military rule is merely a short interval and that the situation will be "normalized soon". Never give a specific date. You might find it important (and fun) to lengthen the duration of martial law. The first two months are the most important for your future career as a dictator. You should unhesitantly take care of the following things:

1. Purge governmental institutions of your (potential) opponents.
2. Purge the party/army of your (potential) opponents.
3. Draft a new constitution. This can be great fun.
4. Set up a patriotic (and powerful) secret police force.

Purges

With purges you can get rid of those individuals who could pose a threat to your position. Or, you could just use purges as a way of getting even. Remember that mean kid at school who used to bully you or steal your pocket money? Or the nosy guy who occupied the very last parking lot just before you? Just think of the expressions on their nasty faces when armed soldiers smash their door in the middle of the night, shouting "Payback time!" and dragging them away to the torture chamber. Talk about getting even. Purges must take place at night.

Build a palace

It is a good idea to have a slightly more humble provincial palace in the countryside. You may take refuge in it in case things get bad in the capital.

A palace should include:

• a thick, high wall (or be very high up, as in the case of George Formby's Palace on top of Blackpool Tower)
• a plentiful supply of food, tobacco and Beer in case 'the people' start rebelling
• a landing site for a helicopter, in case you have to leave your country in a hurry

Make a cool salute or pose

Hitler had his salute. Mussolini raised his fist. Lenin had one hell of a pointing finger. So awe inspiring. Everyone will want to follow you and your glorious and benevolent dictatorship. Having a cool and dramatic pose will make you seem cooler on the global stage, and even Kim Jong Il will bow before your awesome power.

Invent a title for yourself

Tired being called Mr/Ms or Sir/Madam? Or "Thick Johnny"? Adopt a title that reflects your genius and awesome power. Insist that people use the title when addressing you. It might be fun to make your title as long as possible and see your subjects trying to memorize it in agony. Examples:

• Benitto Mussolini - Il Duce
• Adolf Hitler - Der Führer
• Fransisco Franco - El Caudillo/El Generalísimo
• Fidel Castro - El Jefe
• Robert Mugabe - His Excellency
• Idi Amin - His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conquerer of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.

Diplomacy

Whatever your country, it is probably a member of the UN. Keep it so. You get to travel to New York City annually to drink champagne and to stay in five-star hotel suites. In addition, you get to give a speech to the general assembly. Make sure your speech will be the craziest in diplomatic history, making Hugo Chavez look like a sensible statesman. Nobody will remember all the boring stuff the Swedish representative said; everybody will remember your immortal speech. Some unused ideas for your first speech at the UN:

• Perform cheap magic tricks with cards.
• Throw money to the audience.
• Recite "Mary Had a Little Lamb" eight times in a row.
• Give the speech standing on your head.
• Wear a Ronald Reagan mask.
• Make faces.
• Steal the microphone when you leave.

So thats all, have fun becoming a dictator!

Very useful information, read it all, very comprehensive guide. Something about it, though, isn't for me. I'll be sure to link it to all of my commie-wannabe friends!

um, if all this put together actually worked...... you could easily become a dictator.... and my country(canada) is on the list of countries you could try! but i highly doubt you could just wander into canada and lead the country.

Dictatorships are the result of the people and culture, not the dictator. The dictator position opens, and then a man steps up, not the other way around. If the Great Depression had never occured, if anti-semetism was non-existant in Germany, it wouldn't have mattered how great a speaker Hitler was. Likewise, if Hitler had not been born, someone else would have stepped up to his position. One cannot simply make himself a dictator. And you're right, the rise to dictatorship is also usually surrounded by a revolution of some sort where there is unrest in both the government and the people. But the dictator himself does not create the revolution as much as the revolution creates him.

Personally i feel the best way to become a dictator is through demorcracy, that is how many dictators rose to power, aka hitler and maybe soon in Nepal. I cannot wait to see how that works out.

Killian:

Dictatorships are the result of the people and culture, not the dictator. The dictator position opens, and then a man steps up, not the other way around. If the Great Depression had never occured, if anti-semetism was non-existant in Germany, it wouldn't have mattered how great a speaker Hitler was. Likewise, if Hitler had not been born, someone else would have stepped up to his position. One cannot simply make himself a dictator. And you're right, the rise to dictatorship is also usually surrounded by a revolution of some sort where there is unrest in both the government and the people. But the dictator himself does not create the revolution as much as the revolution creates him.

Actually this is not nessesarily true, a leader of a military group, bright and loved by the people rises to power, he is the brains behind the revolution. Castro is an example of this. Like i said also about Nepal, if it goes through it is up to that one person where to lead the country. He is going to become president most likey, and he can just take it from there. If he does not win then he can decide to use his army and become dictator. Yet this man also has the choice of allowing democracy to work. In this situation it really is up to that one man.

P.S. I am not telling you guys who this man is because i want you to to find out for yourselves.

Psh, that's the wuss way. Wouldn't stand a chance if you marched into Totaltaria with THAT.

Totalitarian:

Psh, that's the wuss way. Wouldn't stand a chance if you marched into Totaltaria with THAT.

3/10

:(

EdyPegasus:

Personally i feel the best way to become a dictator is through demorcracy, that is how many dictators rose to power, aka hitler and maybe soon in Nepal. I cannot wait to see how that works out.

I beg to differ, we've alwase had tyrants, but democracies far less so.

nice article...but did you write all of it yourself or copy/paste?